I had been dreaming about sex, and thought that was a good sign. There is life after cancer, right?
Right, and dammit (I decided) there was gonna be sex.
We met that weekend at the laundromat. During the tumble-dry cycle I gave him my number; he kissed my hand. Then, he was on my doorstep, extending one perfect daisy. He smelled good. We went to dinner, to The Candlelit Cloud. While the lights, the life of the city swirled below us, up there it was magic. There I was, out on a date, like a normal person!
When the band came on, he took my hand, the one he had kissed, and led me to the dance floor. As he pulled me in close, things started to happen to my body. Good things. Mmmmm, I had forgotten that feeling. Then he whispered hotly in my quivering ear
I whispered back, a little hoarsely, "What?! I couldn't possibly!" What kind of a girl did he think I was? But I had to admit, with an irony he certainly couldnt know, Yes, youre right. Life is short.
|
So we went: to his apartment, to his bedroom, to his bed. He caressed me; he undressed me. Sssteam sizzled off us and I felt like a woman again. I am woman, hear me roar! Meeeooow! (It really is just like riding a bike: it all comes back to you.)
I purred, palpated, pulsated, pounced. Then I panicked. Slow and gentle did not work. Fight or flight! kicked in; I scrambled then squeaked (to this beautiful naked man), I cant
cant stay, because
m-must go.
Devastated, I summoned my girlfriends to an emergency meeting. They tried to console me with cosmopolitans - which, okay, I accepted. Madeline arrived with a bouquet of balloons twisted into multi-colored penis shapes. I cried. Haunted by sexual failure, I obsessed about my vagina. I had taken my sexuality for granted. Was it all over for me now? Was it time to say goodbye to primal, jungle Nina, to drive out to Costco and load up on plastic cutlery, paper plates and rolls of red & white checkered plastic tablecloths for all the potluck casserole bridge parties I'll be having? I shuddered, and warned, "Don't take your vagina for granted. I did, and look where it got me: locked out!"
|
